I was so inspired by a friend’s vulnerable post last night that I knew it was time for me to be completely vulnerable in my writing. In hopes, that just like she inspired me, maybe I can inspire you to do the same…. break down the mask, the façade, the walls and just let the good, bad, and ugly show.
I’m trying so hard………
I try to keep smiling.
I try to keep moving.
I try to work hard.
I try to be strong.
I try to laugh through the fear.
I try to be patient.
I try to not cry.
I try to be patient.
I try to be full of faith and not fear.
I try to trust Him completely.
But…..some days I struggle to do this and my attitude reflects that.
In my Bible reading this morning Matthew 14:22-33, I read about Peter walking on water. We all roll our eyes at poor Peter sometimes, but today I realized I WAS PETER!!! How symbolic that when I take my eyes off Him, I notice the “wind” around me and it becomes my focus. Then…WHAM…. I’m drowning.
I’ve written before about taking my thoughts captive and here I am, at times talking the talk but not walking it. Choosing to dwell on my fear and what ifs can literally make me drown. It becomes all consuming!! Do you ever feel that way?
There is so much here to be consumed by, and Ben’s looming court date is the biggest. Thinking and dwelling on the what ifs, knowing he made a mistake but not the kind the charges/rumors suggest, the finances, and how all of this affects our family, have had me so wrapped up (or as Ben would describe it “in my head”) lately.
I prayed the whole way to work this morning, just asking God to help us. Pouring out my fears to Him. Then I walked into my office to two of the sweetest notes from precious friends. The Lord used these friends as life lines to tell me … “I’VE GOT YOU”.
God is also reminding me to focus on the amazingly positive things in my life…… a husband whom I love and who loves me and is 47 days sober today, a healthy loving and happy family, a church family that has been so supportive, two jobs that I love and a side business that He placed in my life to help us pay the bills and the generosity, encouragement and kindness of people (like you reading this) that has blown us away.
Every day is a new day and a new start. So today I am stepping out of the boat with my gaze firmly locked on my Savior and with my faith planted in Him. I am placing all my fear and worries at His feet knowing He has it all worked out already. I may feel the wind blow, but it will not distract me or knock me down!! I will have a faith in Him that can move mountains and walk on water.
Melody Kesselring
Recovery Take 2 