“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9
Our life as we knew it…. living with an alcoholic, came to a crashing halt on 1/3/20. Ben was forced into a sobriety that I believe he wanted but didn’t have the ability to achieve. I saw many times a yearning and desire in his eyes to stop but the draw of this disease was too strong.
The biggest thing I felt was relief. Relief that he would finally get help, that I didn’t need to worry about what I was coming home to and that we serve a God who still wants to grab a hold of him and wasn’t through with him.
Ben was sober for over three years before this relapse. I remember that recovery well. It was a time of sobriety that for the most part was completely about him. He came home from rehab with different ideas on life, spirituality, and a whole lot of bitterness on the state of his life.
He pushed me away, isolating himself and I truly was at a loss in how to be his wife. It was a roller coaster of ups and downs during this time. What remained and how we got back here was Ben’s self-focused behavior. It was about his needs, wants, desires and we were just living in his world.
I’m saying this all to say….. ALL THAT STOPPED on 1/3/20. My husband came home to me, after spending five days in jail, a completely new man. That evening after spending less than two hours with him, I told him he was different. He asked, “How?”. I told him he was settled and peaceful, which if you know Ben; he is extra all the time and settled is not a word EVER used to describe him.
His response, “Mel, I am. My focus, my concern and focus is on you and the kids. I am not worried about me.”
The difference is he is not focusing on himself. Every day I am falling more and more in love with him. My home is full of laughter, kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, encouragement, thankfulness, and most of all love. He is leading us in this and stepping up to be the spiritual head of our house. He is focused on making the best life for us and making sure we feel that and feel his love.
PLUS ….. My home has never been cleaner!!!! LOL. I am grateful for Ben’s humility and the man I am watching him become through all of this. I am so proud to be his wife.
Recovery is hard work, but he is putting it in with AA meetings, journaling, therapy, books, scripture, devotionals and accountability partners. He still has struggles; his burden is heavy and he carries with him a lot of fear, guilt, and shame, but we as a family have put our future in God’s hands and guidance. We know He has a plan and that He isn’t done with The Kesselring’s story.
We are LOVING through this journey instead of just living through it.
Melody Kesselring
Recovery Take 2 